Star Trek is Dead to Me
I truned 6 on May 25th 1973. It was about a week later I had to save my mom, my dad was attempting to murder her. A few days later I saw my first episode of Star Trek and the crew of the Enterprise became my new family. Over the years Star Trek got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. As a boy Star Trek had become sacred, untouchable by the men who were sexually abusing me. Star Trek took me away from the nightmares, flashbacks and the reality of my life. My life had become in twined into the fabric of Star Trek, I could never see my life without Star Trek.
When I was 9 I lived in the Houston area and my dad sold me to many men to be used in some horrible ways. In the summer of 1976 dad told me he was taking me to meet with two men, when he said their names my heart jumped. In my mind I knew this was not a job but a real treat. My dad was finally taking me to meet some really special people. Of course John was to join us, he was my handler and dad's best friend and he lived with us. But even though John went, these were not jobs, these two men were real people.
It took awhile to get to a small brown cottage type house next to the shore. In fact the ocean was a way off, but there was a lot of wetland marsh between the cottage and the ocean, it was beautiful. Dad pulled into the driveway and got out, John got out and stood waiting for me. I walked up next to John and he put his arm around my shoulder and told me to be good. I knew what that met but yet it confused me, he could not apply that to these two men.
When we reached the end of the driveway and the back of the cottage I saw my dad and John's "boss" sitting under a tree with one of the men. I did not see the other man, so skipping the star idol questions I simply asked where so-and-so was. I was told by this men who only seconds ago I thought was a god that he decided not to show up. At this point I started to cry and asked if anyone else was coming. John smacked me in the back of the head and asked me what I thought. He then grabbed my arm and led me into the cottage and to a back bedroom with a single bed. I can see every detail of that small house. Once in the room John told me to get ready and I did, then sat on the bed and waited.
After the former idol left me I sat in the corner of the bed with my back to the wall, knees pulled to my chest and sobbed. I never forgot a single moment of that day and event or the man who did it to me.
Now today 2015. Leonard Nimoy has died and it hurt me. But as most who enjoyed Star Trek I was recovering, until. I was in Food Lion and saw a Tribute magazine and bought it. Within the pages of that magazine was the name of the man who had his way with me at age 9 in the cottage near the ocean, he had been friends with Leonard. When I saw his name associated with Leonard and Star Trek an intense wave of nasua washed over me. I felt tears in my eyes and I wanted to throw the magazine away. I sat up for most of the night, my mind numb. It felt like my brain had broke. I put the magazine on my desk and went to bed, but not to sleep. My skin crawled all night and I felt myself in that cottage all night. I felt dirty, nasty. I was having repeated flashbacks, I was not here. All day Saturday I was in a daze, floating, not with my family and friends even though my body was. By Saturday night I had lost my love for Star Trek, the thought of Star Trek and this man's name together repulsed me, made me sick. In brain mapping an entire map can be disrupted by a single dramatic act. Reading that man's name as a friend to Leonard had that effect. I lost all I thought I knew Star Trek to be. Today Star Trek is nothing to me. Star Trek is dead to me.
I inventoried my collection and added up its value. Here it is as a PDF to download. If anyone is interested in buying it you can pay via PayPal and we can figure out shipping to add and other details.
There is no love lost, I have only learned that even boyhood idols are dirty men and years later the reality of this system takes over.
I truned 6 on May 25th 1973. It was about a week later I had to save my mom, my dad was attempting to murder her. A few days later I saw my first episode of Star Trek and the crew of the Enterprise became my new family. Over the years Star Trek got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. As a boy Star Trek had become sacred, untouchable by the men who were sexually abusing me. Star Trek took me away from the nightmares, flashbacks and the reality of my life. My life had become in twined into the fabric of Star Trek, I could never see my life without Star Trek.
When I was 9 I lived in the Houston area and my dad sold me to many men to be used in some horrible ways. In the summer of 1976 dad told me he was taking me to meet with two men, when he said their names my heart jumped. In my mind I knew this was not a job but a real treat. My dad was finally taking me to meet some really special people. Of course John was to join us, he was my handler and dad's best friend and he lived with us. But even though John went, these were not jobs, these two men were real people.
It took awhile to get to a small brown cottage type house next to the shore. In fact the ocean was a way off, but there was a lot of wetland marsh between the cottage and the ocean, it was beautiful. Dad pulled into the driveway and got out, John got out and stood waiting for me. I walked up next to John and he put his arm around my shoulder and told me to be good. I knew what that met but yet it confused me, he could not apply that to these two men.
When we reached the end of the driveway and the back of the cottage I saw my dad and John's "boss" sitting under a tree with one of the men. I did not see the other man, so skipping the star idol questions I simply asked where so-and-so was. I was told by this men who only seconds ago I thought was a god that he decided not to show up. At this point I started to cry and asked if anyone else was coming. John smacked me in the back of the head and asked me what I thought. He then grabbed my arm and led me into the cottage and to a back bedroom with a single bed. I can see every detail of that small house. Once in the room John told me to get ready and I did, then sat on the bed and waited.
After the former idol left me I sat in the corner of the bed with my back to the wall, knees pulled to my chest and sobbed. I never forgot a single moment of that day and event or the man who did it to me.
Now today 2015. Leonard Nimoy has died and it hurt me. But as most who enjoyed Star Trek I was recovering, until. I was in Food Lion and saw a Tribute magazine and bought it. Within the pages of that magazine was the name of the man who had his way with me at age 9 in the cottage near the ocean, he had been friends with Leonard. When I saw his name associated with Leonard and Star Trek an intense wave of nasua washed over me. I felt tears in my eyes and I wanted to throw the magazine away. I sat up for most of the night, my mind numb. It felt like my brain had broke. I put the magazine on my desk and went to bed, but not to sleep. My skin crawled all night and I felt myself in that cottage all night. I felt dirty, nasty. I was having repeated flashbacks, I was not here. All day Saturday I was in a daze, floating, not with my family and friends even though my body was. By Saturday night I had lost my love for Star Trek, the thought of Star Trek and this man's name together repulsed me, made me sick. In brain mapping an entire map can be disrupted by a single dramatic act. Reading that man's name as a friend to Leonard had that effect. I lost all I thought I knew Star Trek to be. Today Star Trek is nothing to me. Star Trek is dead to me.
I inventoried my collection and added up its value. Here it is as a PDF to download. If anyone is interested in buying it you can pay via PayPal and we can figure out shipping to add and other details.
There is no love lost, I have only learned that even boyhood idols are dirty men and years later the reality of this system takes over.
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