Think of it this way, up until I was six I was heading down a certain path, for all intents and purposes a safe normal path, at six that path forked and I was forced onto a new path. But I like to think of a Star Trek application, timelines. From birth to age six I was on a standard timeline but then a Romulan traveled back to June 4th 1973 and detonated an anti-matter device. That detonation altered the timeline the standard timeline and a new timeline branched off, one where the Federation never formed and where the Romulans ruled the Galaxy. I still live in that altered timeline.
Sometimes I look back and wonder what would have happened if the timeline was never altered, who would I have been, my mother my family. In order for this to work I have to also imagine that my birth father was killed prior to June 4th 1973. I do not think I need to wonder anymore for I was able to look back along the altered timeline and see a glance at the true timeline. How was I able to do so? In order to write my book “David’s mark” I had to invest 7 years of research and a lot of interviews with my mother and several others. From that research and interviews I believe I may have drawn a ‘what may have been’ analogy of the true timeline. So for a moment let’s travel back to December 30th 1972, I choose December because it was before we moved out of the Tulsa House.
That winter was cold and I did not get my Ken doll for Christmas, but mom had prepared me for the loss, but she promised he would be under the tree next Christmas, I was looking forward to getting him back behind the driver’s wheel of my truck. The roads were covered with ice and snow and dad was late getting home, mom seemed worried. At 9:00pm she sent me and my sisters off to bed, once in my pajama’s I stood by my window wondering why my dad was late, but my wonder was soon replace by dreams, as I was unable to stay awake. I had not been asleep for long when I was awakened by my mom’s crying and I was still asleep when I entered the living room and two police officers were standing by the door. My dad had lost control of the car and died in a car wreck.
Prior to his death my mom and he were going from church to church looking for one we could settle in and it was only after his death that she listened to my Grandma and went to a Congregation across town that taught the Truth. After that first meeting she started a Bible Study and stayed with that Congregation. While making arrangements for my dad’s memorial I had spent a lot of time at my Grandma’s and one dad while my uncle was turning the TV I saw him pass Star Trek, he turned it back and allowed me to watch. That of course started my love affair with Star Trek and science. My mom used my dad’s life insurance to pay off the house in Tulsa and she continued her interest in folk music, getting small gigs across town, soon she landed a recording contract……
Some of the above is fiction, but some is fact. My Grandma was a second generation Bible Student and she attempted to instill in me and my sisters what she remembered. My mom was actively searching for ‘The Truth’, but sadly never found it, and she was good on the guitar and enjoyed playing folk music. I can’t say for certain what would have been, but as I interviewed her she reviled a lot of ‘loves’ ‘regrets’ and ‘missed chances’. Some of which she is now doing. So in the end she became a part of what she would have if June 4th 1973 never happened.
Me; I am sure I would have still found Star Trek, and I had a starving thirst for Bible Study. I also love science, physics, math, and writing. I now hold on to these, but unfortunately with awful and painful memories. No I don’t have a pity pot that I sit around on crying, oh poor me, poor me. My life is clouded with nightmares that visit me against my will, flashbacks that send me through time so fast the even Captain Kirk would get motion sickness. These flashbacks are so intense that I even FEEL guilty, or shame or…the flashbacks are the worst. I jump at every loud noise, I hate to hear stories of abuse or see shows of people oppressed. What is surprising is that I am told by many well-meaning friends ‘stop dwelling on the past’. A flashback is NOT dwelling, a nightmare and waking up soaked is NOT dwelling, crying because a firework went off and you were not expecting it is NOT dwelling. Worst of all, some of my friends have laughed at my reaction or accused me of over reacting. I have the most trouble with those kinds of statements. Because of that I have found very few people in my circle of friends that I truly trust. If they laugh because I jump and cry because of loud thunder or tease me about it, or they tell me I am over reacting to get attention, I have little to trust in them. Mind you I love my friends, but I find it hard to trust someone who can gain such joy out of my fear.
With PTSD my fear is very real and it surrounds me every day. I do not dwell on my past, I don’t live in my past, my past IS my present and it is still happening. I live in fear every day I live.